IVF journey..

To have children, we needed to do IVF. I have a 10 and an 8 year old who keep me on my toes every day, every minute and every second (well except when I tune out and tune in to reading/yoga or just not hearing them for ten minutes!). Reflecting on that journey 10 years on is an interesting process. To be completely honest, when you’re in the thick of it, you can’t see what the feelings are. You just really, really, really want a baby. That’s the goal. We had 6 or 7 cycles in total over that five year period. Maybe 38 eggs, 12 embryos, endless internal ultrasounds, three pregnancies, two babies and one miscarriage. In retrospect, mountainous terrain was navigated. Pieces of your heart are chipped away, funds paid out and sometimes, Medicare rebates to soften the blow. If you get a live baby that is.

The kindness of the practice nurses, the frustration with the foreign cars parked in the doctors car space, meeting the blastocyst (cells) which would become your beloved child who volcano into my world every day and the wanking to 80’s porn stand out as some of the vivid images in my memory bank. The feeling of hopelessness, complete lack of control and medicalisation of one of the most natural (allegedly) things we can do as humans all exist in this space. The elation and high of small success – getting all the swimmers in the cup, being told the follicles looks like perfect little root systems reaching for new growth and the connection of watching the little embryo on it’s implantation ejection all felt like tiny movies to be re-watched again and again.

I look back now and realise, for me, this part of the parenting cycle were deep paper cuts – they stung, they bled but they healed and the thin white line of scarring on my heart shows the pain of this time.

Top three –

1) Connect physically with your partner (if you have one) as often as you can. I certainly don’t mean madly shagging (although go for if you have any desire to at all). Touch on arm, hold hands, stoke her/his hair when any form of intrusive intervention happens. Rub their feet, caress their back and show them in as many ways possible you are there.

2) Talk to others who you feel understood by about all the things happening to you. Brene Brown states ‘shame cannot bear to be spoken about’. Don’t sit on those dark thoughts alone – they just invite more in for the party. Clear them with those who accept, see and love you as often as you can.

3) Be a force – assertively become informed of your options from reputable sources and then don’t be afraid to be your own advocate. It’s your body, your hopes and dreams, your future and your funds.

It’s not an easy path – walk it with as many people as you can and with the force of your nature on your side.