Parenting impacts your relationship in a whole range of ways you had never thought about. Maybe you were aware of some of it, but thought it wouldn’t happen to you. One of the key losses to your relationship is space. Space without a shadow (metaphorically and literally!). The literal is your child/children who are always there. It’s the thinking about conception and having them. If you did fertility treatment, it’s the tiny little cells waiting to emerge from your body or literally, from ice – in the freezer at the clinic.
The seeking of space is the contested area which didn’t exist in the same way before child/ren entered the equation. It’s the exploring/arguing about/negotiating/screaming/longing for time away from family life and finding available time to do this. If you are lucky enough, you are interested grandparents or relatives who can provide this. If not, it’s up to you and your partner (if they are around) to do this. Otherwise the cultivating of a tribe is necessary to allow this. Whatever it looks like for you, it’s f**king hard.
In our family, we have different needs and differing values about what space looks like. For me, it’s about clocking off from this part of my life. Or at least, feeling like I can. For my partner, it’s about us as a family opting our of the rest of our lives – like a little oasis of semi-calm contentment. We tend to meet in the middle if we’re both in a good place or see-saw wildly if not.
The consideration for lots of couples (and sorry to be talking to only couples in this one) is understanding each other needs and at least trying to hear what they are, reflect back this understanding and being willing to listen. This sounds easy. It’s not. Rocket science is hard and so is this. The loss in this one is around autonomy. What you’re not told, is when there’s children, you are rarely autonomous again. Someone is in your heart, head, body and life constantly. And you want them there. And you don’t. This is the tension as both desires exist together. Accepting this can make your journey easier but there’s so much judgement on parents (in particularly, mothers) who claim their space. A friend of mine often states ‘happy wife, happy life’. I use the phrase to push away the creeping guilt we all feel when we take time out. I think of it as ‘time in’. Time in myself to be me.
Top tips:
1) Make time to negotiate this space with your partner before you really need it. if possible, when the twinkle is in your eye! I personally like a formal meeting to take the heat out. Sounds cold but some dishes are best served this way.
2) Guilt helps no-one, especially your child. Take the space, enjoy it, cherish it.
3) Use your tribe. If you can’t get a break because you don’t have a partner or co-parent, create your support network with this in mind. Some people don’t have this so give yourself a pass from not asking for help and ask. Engage services, accept the meal from the school food bank, say yes when your neighbour offers to walk the dog. Say YES!
Parenting and paper cuts. 