The children’s birthday party – as the years tick over we cherish them and want them to be memorable. As parents, we feel nostalgic for our childhood. We feel envious about what others have now and want to keep up. We just want our kids to have moments that stand out. Smiling at drop offs and politely chatting to hurried parents, eager for the two hours off. Making cups of tea for pick up when all you want to do is cuddle your child and explore their experience of the party.
The cake is full of sugar. There’s an odd mix of directions from anxious parents whose child can’t eat this and may have an intolerance to that. We try to cater and do our best. We mediate games – there’s the child who is committed to bloody death until the winner is announced; the child who really needs to win but never does; the chatterbox; the stirrer, the eager to please. We balance all their needs and wants with our eye on what matters most to us. The birthday child and their siblings – their enjoyment of the whole event. The minutiae distracts us from what’s in our heart.
The yearning to hold onto them for one more year. Going back to smell of a newborn (or maybe that’s the year you are at), the held breath of expectation when learning your expecting. Every birthday is a death knell – bleak I know, but it’s the little deaths or cuts of saying goodbye to that stage, that age and the beauty of their skin. There’s regret – “I wish I’d spent longer on….” and despair “have I done enough?”
Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief are played out in one day and that’s when the knowledge drops in. Each birthday is a step towards cutting the umbilical cord or stretching it further and further from us. The large wings we have been cultivating get stronger and stronger. We want them to fly, but not too far from the nest. The loss is consolidated and as the up-to-date grief research tells us, we learn to adapt to the new normal. Feelings will come up at unexpected moments and we can be okay. I know I am learning how to build my nest to accommodate new things – like yoga, like writing and getting to know my partner without the caring needs being as present with kids. We’ll see what this brings!!
Top tips:
1) Listen to your kid about their plans for the day. Make it a say yes day for them – you’ll see them delight in it and it’s catching. (Of course within reason and capacity!)
2) Take time to get to know who they invite. Their friends are often surprising and give you a new lens with which to view your child.
3) Pacing. Yourself, your kid and the guests. Don’t rush – there’s nothing to get to.
Parenting and paper cuts. 